So it occurs to me I haven't used skype in forever. That and when "someone new' friended me on steam I was very apprehensive but still had a few friendly conversations with him before choosing that option where I sign in as invisible! (Smooth Ben,smooth!) My last act of kindness was buying a few mates I knew some games on steam during a sale. (Still owe one friend "something" as he picked up Mad Max for me!)

To others I must seem fleeting and disloyal. I don't really have a defense, I'm just so much more comfortable alone in my own thoughts. It's not I'll refuse to entertain company or ignore e-mails but I am the type of guy you have to kinda "push" to socialize. There are certain irregularities in this behavioral pattern in which I'll finally make rounds and ask how people have been doing but it's not a daily or even weekly routine.

I don't romanticize being an introvert. Some really get off on that "happily aloof outcast who is too cool to care" shtick but when you REALLY are that beyond mere appearances it's difficult to maintain friendships and muster up enough charisma to market your ideas. I try to improve but it's a constant struggle and "eventually" the effort exerted to socialize always makes me feel drained. Don't get me wrong, I'm still simultaneously happy to speak with people I care about but it's akin to "comforting exhaustion" like when the typical human being is done having sex with someone they actually enjoy being around!

Anyway,are you all more introverted (Happy hermits) or extroverted (People persons)? Feel free to discuss!

So for the longest time I was pro ComicsGate. For those not in the know, it was like "GamerGate" only focused on the "problems" within the comic book industry instead. To me Captain Cummings drew attention to the soy-fication of comics first. Aka, he would critique the worsening quality of art and writing, drawing attention to how "the rainbow sjw diversity squad" had infiltrated the big two publishers. (DC and Marvel respectfully) I feel you, I'm tired of the "social justice warrior" acronym too but as of yet no better term has been invented to describe this particular kind of person. Regardless comics started to put ham-fisted agenda pushing and identity politics over telling a good story so many fans (Male AND female) got rightfully pissed off. Eventually a more charismatic vanguard of faces began championing "the cause" including Ethan Van Schiver (A professional artist who worked in the trenches of comic-book-dom for many years) Richard Meyer, a former military man whom also struggled in the comics scene whilst experiencing his own small victories as well as small defeats trying to get his works published,Nerdette,a lover of DC's Batman run in particular while possessing the voice of a sexy siren,Umbrella guy,a southern boy like myself having a love of story-telling with illustrations,Yellow-flash, a sharp tongued no-nonsense lightning fast slick commentator, and Just some guy, a suave intelligent comics fan who has one of the most awesome "original character super hero avatars" I've ever seen. (There was also Nerkish and Cecil, two guys who excelled at comedy,satire, and hilarious skits!) I apologize for those I left out but rest assured you all have my best wishes!

I do not think "gate keeping" always happens because of some malicious conspiracy to "keep the peasants down". As human beings we simply give preferential treatment to the people closest to us and as we're social creatures we more readily gravitate towards those who are charismatic,good looking,funny,or well spoken. Ditto times ten if they also champion the things or viewpoints we particularly like. We're all bias assholes. There's no way of entirely getting around this conundrum though "attempts" at fairness and impartiality should still be rewarded I suppose.

Anyway, here I was watching two people I know having a stream (Both with connections to comicsgate) and I thought I would play "devil's advocate" and bring up the conundrum with nepotism (Which always surfaces within a large community in one way or another) and if it would be acknowledged there are creative people out there with great ideas whom none the less do not have the reach or social graces to "get out there" as much as say someone with a flourishing audience or who has had experience working in comics already.

Let me admit for the record I was once a pretty big deal on twitter. I had 2,000 + followers and many of my tweets would even get retweeted by the "even more famous" individuals I followed. This could have been used as a platform to continue to promote my art but sadly there was a moderator and a few blue-checkmarks who did not like me at all. So after a particular argument I was suspended from twitter "forever". (I say forever because every time I see what the status is on my account I'm still suspended!)

I also tried to make a youtube channel a few years ago but it was with subpar cheap equipment (At the time I could not even afford a yeti microphone) and certain listeners already expressed issues of not being able to clearly understand me. This is in part due to the fact when I was young I had to take speech therapy as I'd slur or mispronounce certain words. I'm better at speaking as an adult but I find I have to repeat myself sometimes when having conversations and my voice isn't "silky" or "smooth" in any fashion! (My audio has been compared to being a Frankenstein combination of kermit the frog and the friggin cookie monster for fuck sakes!) Regardless, I gave up and deleted my channel. Worse, youtubes additional stupid rules and authoritarian algorithm constantly get youtubers demonetized or outright banned so starting up a new channel would be a waste of time.

As you can see, I "tried". It's just it's really easy to find yourself on the outside looking in after a series of unfortunate events. I understand the argument of picking oneself up by the bootstraps and working hard until succeeding but times change and as they do people living in those moments often have to deal with additional challenges and hurdles people from another time period did not. This is why Millennials and Zoomers are often so mad at Boomers when Boomers talk down to them or give them "encouraging yet condescending speeches" about not giving up. Simply put, the Boomer means well but grew up when the rules were different and opportunities were more plentiful. Hell, Pewdiepie would flat out tell you it was much easier to be a youtuber many years ago but since then the platform has been bogged down by bad decisions and shit like the COPPA debacle. Aka, new youtubers starting their channels up today have a far different experience than what Felix had when he was starting his own channel back in the day.

"These guys" are not in the same ballpark as "literally Hitler" merely because we had a spat with text boxes,I'm merely frustrated how my points seemed to fly beyond their comprehension radars. (Even the people we butt heads with on the internet are usually "decent people" it's just sometimes the best of us still devolve back into primordial poo-slinging simians!) Weird how the internet simultaneously brings us together whilst often causing multiple misunderstandings and miscommunications! (We also feel emboldened and full of ourselves online as we don't have to suffer the same repercussions or practice the same courtesies we do when standing next to another human being face to face!) Regardless, their immediate hive-minded gut reaction was "This warlock speaketh blasphemy,burn him at the stake for questioning our lord and savior insert-name-or-cause-here!" Hmmmm,I wonder where I've seen this kind of knee-jerk herd-like behavior before?

I have two other character art wrap ups then I'm done for awhile. Between this and my back log I still have plenty of art to show, though after I put up my last run of erotic illustrations certain folks might be disappointed "or" elated to realize that's the last of it for the time being! Granted, I noticed some of my lewd pieces were getting higher ratings but it was so erratic and with every 3 or 5 earned I'd get a 2 point "fuck you". I wouldn't mind this so much if people left constructive feedback. Hell,even trolling insults would let me know what's chapping so many hides! (Though I'd guess it would be something petty such as people who simply do not like the same sexual fetishes or that one rare time I lewded a character people worshiped as a sacred holy waifu!) Instead I have to deal with this ominous "mystery cabal" of haters! (Translation: A buncha randos who feel entitled enough to rate stuff yet are "too busy" to write helpful,insightful,or funny responses!) To them I offer a "Pewdiepie hiatus" out of forever! Which means they get a brief break from me but I will "eventually" go back to drawing lewd nasty smut just the way they despise it! I mean there are many female characters in my catalogue I have yet to desecrate! So MANY possibilities!

In the future I hope to work on some of my weaknesses such as the lack of backgrounds in current works and anatomy. I put down anatomy here because no matter how good I think I've gotten depicting the human body I've seen mistakes and realize I could do better. True, I rarely go for complete realism in the first place but that's never been a good excuse anyway. Will I succeed at these goals?! Probably,but very VERY slowly!

Another thing people probably overlook is my writing. Yes, most characters come with in depth background information and actual short stories! If you want to get to know one of my or Alex's ocs beyond that initial "This character looks cool or looks hawt" aesthetic on the surface there's plenty of deeper content to penetrate! (Innuendoes! I'm a genius!)

Holy Crusaders! Protecting us from the crude-lewd invaders! I feel as if at some point I can expand upon this and make it into a satirical cartoon series! Regardless I've noticed voice actors and actresses have been advertising themselves on Newgrounds which makes total sense to me as "animators" and even game designers are in constant need of VA talent. Sure, some voice samples I've heard are "lewd". Then again many of the flash animations I've seen on here are equally lewd! You would think people who do not like the range of "Rule 34 content" would simply adjust their viewing settings accordingly to avoid this stuff. But nope,the puritan trad-cucks (A term I'm not being "political" with as much as I'm using it to simply describe people who complain about things whilst demanding censorship as opposed to simply avoiding content they dislike.) have to insert their 10 cents,moaning and bitching about how voice-acting samples are not "true content" and how Newgrounds is falling just like Rome fell. I'm led to believe these people "never" visited here back in the day during which point not much was very different. If they are in fact old-timers then "they" must have changed. Regardless, I don't give two fucks. Tell the pope to bite my ass!

"Don't fret precious, I'm here

Step away from the window, go back to sleep

Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils

See, they don't give a fuck about you like I do

Count lies like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep

Count lies like sheeps, like sheeps, like sheeps, like sheeps, like sheeps, like sheeps

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow

Count bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums

Count bodies like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow

Go back to sleep

Go back to sleep

Count bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums (Go back to sleep)

Go back to sleep

Count bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums (Go back to sleep)

Go back to sleep

Count bodies like sheep

Go back to

Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep,

Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep,

Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep,

Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep,

Go back to sleep

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow

Go back to sleep

Go back to sleep

Count bodies like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep (Go back to sleep)

Go back to sleep

Count bodies like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep, like sheep (Go back to sleep)

Go back to sleep

Count bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums (Go back to sleep)

Go back to sleep

Count bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums (Go back to sleep)

Go back to sleep

Count bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums (Go back to sleep)

Go back to sleep

I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons

I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason

I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices, son

They're one in the same

I must isolate you

Isolate and save you from yourself" ~A perfect circle

Yesterday I was able to make two enemies into buddies! Aka, I was arguing with these two individuals on the internet but thru being understanding and inserting jokes at the right time I was able to deescalate the situation and put us on friendlier terms. I was also willing to listen with what they had to say and sympathize with their original reasons for acting the way they did. I know,it's a silly "nothing burger" to most of you reading this but for me it felt good to take a potentially negative situation and turn it into something positive. I walked away realizing both these individuals were good people and I simply feel very fortunate we were able to connect despite our rocky beginnings.

Honestly I don't put much stock into people arguing or trolling on the internet. We all fall into it once in awhile and compared to all the truly atrocious shit going on in the world it is not a serious crime or something to be ashamed of for all of eternity. I find it odd certain folks truly take it "so far" as to dox a person who simply sent them a mean tweet or spicy meme. One thing I try to do is keep my rivalries with people "online". As angry as they make me, deep down I do not want them hurt,to lose their jobs,or die because I thought I'd 1up them by getting them "swatted". (This is where you call the police and report a "false crime" the person you are talking about actually did not do.)

Regardless,blessed is Apustaja, our saintly frog patron of making friends and enjoying the little things in life. May we all be "frens" after the next reality reset!

Talked with my case manager today. It was like getting teeth pulled par usual. Not because she's a bad person (Heck,I give her brownie points for being this patient with me. Dealing with someone with manic depression who has panic attacks cannot be the most easy-going of experiences!) but because I have to supposedly "jump thru a lot of hoops" just to get a voucher for something that in essence provides me with the exact same services/opportunities as the current program I'm on. Some of those hoops have already been traversed and taken care of but I still find it odd not one of my past case-workers tried getting me a NED voucher or at the very least explained to me what a NED voucher was. I've been with Homeward Bound (A subsidiary of HUD housing ) for close to or a little over 20 years so having my current worker spring all this upon me at once with no "build up" to have prepared me has not been good for my stress levels.

I also surmise it's a somewhat gender-based issue. Aka, men like everything easily explained and to cut straight to the heart of the matter. Women tend to be more empathetic to emotions so they may dance around certain dicey details in an attempt to make a person more comfortable. Neither approach is inherently "wrong" and they both come with pros and cons. I simply prefer the "abridged version" that's simple to take in and lays down the factoids. For example, I was lead to believe I had a choice. It was never explained to me before very recently that the NED voucher was mandatory and that me "graduating" from Homeward bound is a natural progression. Based on past experiences I just assumed so long as I maintained being a good tenant and supplied my case worker with the proper paper-work everything would be 100% fine and the worst of all the hurdles I endured applying for HUD were behind me. Apparently not! "Everything" is subject to change at the whim of our policy makers and that REALLY sucks sometimes!

Regardless we meet again on the 30th at which point I'm probably going to cooperate and simply get the tail end of all this B.S. taken care of. Yes, I'll do the orientation even those it'll be the common sense equivalent of "Don't break stuff,don't become an alcoholic or drug addict,don't smoke indoors,pay your portion of the rent on time,and don't be an asshole to your landlord or the other tenants!" It saddens me to think some people out there truly need to be coached in common decency but here we are in 2020! Beyond that they do one more inspection and then supposedly it is "over". I'm told this will ensure I can still ask Homeward Bound for help but they will not have to meet with me monthly or bi weekly anymore. If true this would be fine as any sort of meetings make me anxious anyway and regurgitating the same talking points becomes boring at best and frustrating at worst.

It simply strikes me as "amazing" how much disabled and impoverished tenants have to endure just to keep a roof over their heads. You'd think they'd try to make it all a little more reasonable as you're already burdened dealing with those other aforementioned things but "Big Brother Bureaucracy" makes no concessions or compromises. You either sign every doted line and run every labyrinth or you end up back on the streets. They do not even have to threaten you by telling you as it is the cold hard reality of the situation.

I'll say it,the "Thot-Wars" have gone too far. When I first heard that word it was deployed to describe a very particular kind of female with negative characteristics. Aka, a young pretty woman (Usually) who would use her beauty to beguile and manipulate orbiting men en masse to hand over money without offering a service in return beyond "Oh,look at my bare butt in these photos behind a donation pay-wall,tee-hee!". Sure, we always had models,cosplayers,and cam girls but they used to keep it professional, showcasing themselves in magazines or at least putting a lot of work into their costumes or cam acts so the audience at least got something of value out of it! Say what you will about a trained stripper for example but chances are she can at least dance and maybe even do pretty cool acrobatic feats on a pole! A thot by comparison simply wears sweaters with a boob window and tight yoga pants. What perplexes many of us is you can get PG-13 "sexy images" of women absolutely free on the internet if you're an artist in need of material. (Or just want to fap to something a bit more wholesome than straight up porn!) Twerking? Fuck, who "does not" twerk these days? Even children and grandmas have started to twerk thereby putting my boner reflex on constant life support! Twerking is NOT impressive! (This coming from a bonafide ass-man!)

But thottery was never about simply being attractive. The most infamous thots always were renowned for being cruel to their audiences and even abusive to their house pets. The streaming services they inhabit (Usually Twitch) let them get away with so much they became ever more greedy,decadent,and narcissistic. Alinity made it into the hall of cringe for marrying a Canadian guy just to attend University there then divorced him when she had no need for him anymore. She didn't even feign being upset. She very matter of factly let her audience know she was using the poor sap from the start. Other thots will lie about "being single" just to instill false hope in their horny young viewerships so they can milk even more donations. (For some reasons certain guys believe if they put enough money into a woman she will eventually become theirs. Boy are they in for some harsh life lessons!) Aka, no rational individual dislikes thots just because they're physically attractive. It is for a host of other reasons they have built up so many haters and notoriety.

Sadly "thot" is fast becoming the next "neck-beard" "nazi" misogynist" and "pedo". Aka,reduced to a character assassinating buzzword smear to throw at a female online just because she has "different opinions". I've noticed many of my favorite female content creators have had that word launched at them via metaphorical catapult many times and they are in no ways thots. These are women who do movie reviews,talk about video games,discuss anime,pursue creative endeavors,and have earned their "true geek" credentials long ago. Aka,they've been in the pit as long as the rest of us shunned losers and have put up with just as much flak! Unfortunately there are guys (And other jealous women) who equate thottery simply with having a "cute voice", putting forth a unique point of view, or "looking presentable" to the outside world. It's one thing to see stereotypical sjws and unreasonably rabid fanbases do it but when self labeled anti-sjws do it simultaneously it illustrates a "real problem" that's come out of the culture war. To advocate free speech means accepting people who do not always agree with us or whom may like certain kinds of entertainment we do not. This new brand of side choosing tribalism is a sick perversion to me personally and I'm so friggin tired of it!

Keep in mind a "thot" is not merely your little sister who likes My Little Pony more than Star-Wars. It is not the comic book reviewer being critical of your favorite comic book artist, the gamer who preferred another title over the one you tout as sacred,the drop dead gorgeous cashier also working at Hooters to make ends meet,the co-worker who has better genetics than you,the animator who makes cartoons that for some reason you disprove of, or the commentator with the super cutesy "so kawaii" voice that somehow infuriates you. "Thot" is a term designated for exceptionally nasty,back stabbing,manipulative,abusive,sadistic,egotistical,gold-digging,and heartless women who CONSTANTLY exhibit these traits via the most blatant and flamboyant self aggrandizing pageantry imaginable! (Another word for "thot" is "basic bitch". That may clear up some confusion!)

When people hate on women just for being healthy specimens of feminity I think of this excerpt from Brutal Legend about the first ones and the tainted coil..............

"Is this appropriate,bucko? You're objectifying the wahmenz and this is text-book incel behavior! I know because I'm a valiant white knight when it comes to such matters! Please peddle your perverted fantasies somewhere else!"

So tell me if ya heard this one before. Some dude on the internet has a "tude" and calls you "creepy" for drawing "the lewd". He says it's "weird" you draw your fantasies about fucking fictional waifus with the traits you find attractive about the fairer sex.

My first point of contention is "everyone" fantasizes. Let's say you meet your future girlfriend for the first time. Welp, you haven't fucked her YET but chances are if something about her does it for yer libido you are certainly THINKING about fucking her! How is this any different from what I do save for the fact "I" can actually draw it onto paper? Furthermore, how many women do guys masturbate to that for whatever reason they NEVER get to fuck? Again,I don't see how I'm the weirdo here. I wanted to look at this guy with the issue and say "What's yer beef master-chief?" but I kinda knew better!

"Tame" and "ho-hum" by the internet's standards....the divine help us all!"

This is someone obviously very sheltered. Consider the fact he's uncomfortable with the simple prospect of me drawing my sexual fantasies yet a lot of my friends in the lewd-art "Rule 34 club" would call my erotic illustrations "boring". As fetishes go I'm not into anything too into left field. I've never drawn scat,inflation,vore,diaper stuff,or even dick-girls. Even if I was commissioned to draw such art I would not simply because my kink is personal and reflects what does it "for me". I grew up with artists like Milo Manara,Luis Royo,Tex,H.R.Giger and Serpieri who were all very graphic yet very strictly heterosexual. By that I mean most of their illustrations were simple metaphors or simple depictions of men and women getting it on! I kind of miss the purity of erotic art from the Heavy Metal Magazine era that wasn't trying so hard to be "super alternative lifestyle" just for woke points. Hey,I don't mind who ya bang so long as you're a good person in most respects but as a vanilla hetero straight normie I find much of what passes for "kink" today befuddling. I mean if obese re-draws of otherwise fit super heroines,getting pissed on,or being shat into someone's diaper after they eat you is your ultimate fap fuel I will not judge ya for it but please don't judge me for simply not understanding what the hell is going on!

It's at this point ya feel that pinch! Too lewd for the puritans but not lewd enough for the internet! What's a fella to do?! Actually I 'm not too conflicted over this. After putting up my kinky-back log and putting up what few new NSFW pieces I've created recently I'm probably gonna take a brief hiatus from the hardcore stuff. Not out of shame or thinking I've become irrelevant but simply because I do in fact draw other things and "sometimes" those "other things" simply prove to be more interesting! Believe it or not I do like fleshing out back stories and world building as much as I enjoy having my most attractive female ocs getting railed and nailed!

"Let me clarify that I've had good times on the internet and have met wonderful people! "But" this poem was me brain-storming on how the internet occasionally hurts us more than helps us. Read it if you want but don't let it depress you! It was simply written when my mind was in a dark place."

"Online I'm your monster when you want it like a slut!

I'm your debonair vampire or frisky werewolf when

you want it deep up the butt!

You judge me as "dirty".

Yet when you have needs

you like me flirty!

Oh God,what have "we" become?

Married or single, fabricating

lies and virtual fantasies, we're

incomplete and practically scum!

In real life I'm shy.

A really "nice guy"!

But "sometimes" the inner fire ignites my lust!

So I log in sex chat and play out kinks

that leave me ashamed after the cum flows

with the last thrust!

No one seems to want to "know" the me behind the mask.

After that moment of release I'm left alone,drinking my own

tears from a flask!

We are selfish,existing only to pleasure ourselves.

Narcissitic demons,neurotic furries, and attention whoring elves!

I'm sure a part of you is beautiful,kind,and sweet.

But despite being connected by words and wires

we are separated by fear and distance thus will never meet!

We are happy when comments give us praise.

Yet if someone disagrees or steps out of line

we'll dox,slander and there will be HELL to raise!

Ruining lives over misunderstandings,politics, and memes.

 A network full of deception,angst,and half baked schemes.

We all make mistakes and we all tell white lies.

But better I draw attention towards you so the mob

doesn't find my hidden cellar door with their pitchforks,

torches and accusatory eyes!

We don't forget and we don't forgive!

Yet if redemption is so impossible why even try

to fucking live?!

Curse the machine and curse dopamine addictions!

More and more incomplete people with fatal afflictions!

What is loooove? What is haaaaate?

We're so infantile we cannot even fathom such meanings or articulate!"

New years resolution? Eh, I'm probably gonna try to be less "bitchy". I realize a few of my blogs were just non stop complaining. Sure, it's great to vent but in some ways I was probably making enemies simply by being hard-headed. No, I cannot just up and change my opinions but I can try to adopt more of a "live and let live" mentality. Regardless, I'm going to give debating politics a break and "hopefully" put more energy into my art!

Honestly despite disagreements I've had with people in the Newgrounds forums I never once thought they were "monsters" in real life. Usually the people we argue with online are decent folk who we clash with only because of different points of view. It's important to remember that in these polarized times when various forces do their damnedest to polarize us and indoctrinate us into hating each other. (If not over ethnic backgrounds,gender, and sexuality then "definitely" over the varied unique ideas as well as opinions each of us hold) At some point we'll need to come together again to heal the damage that has been done.

Don't put me on a pedestal though. I'm still going to be an annoying bastard at times and shoot off my mouth on occasion before I think it thru! I know "me" too well. That's why like Sandor Clegane I "refuse" any titles,accolades,or praises. I'm a sinner "trying" to get better. But that is a long winding road that will not be entirely devoid of future mistakes.